I think the feeling of being loved is so incredibly rare, that when it touches you it can be overwhelming. I have the blessing of being incomprehensibly loved by my grandparents - Grammy and Grandpa.
I didn't know until about a year ago when my cousin told me, that my grandparents had been saving every email I'd ever sent them and everything I've ever written them. I figured they might save a few of the cards of drawings I did when I was a kid and it was cute, but all my college craziness? wow. Even if I haven't had the guts to act on my dreams of being a writer, they always believed in me and held onto each word I did write, believing it was the beginnings of something great.
Recently, as they've been having to prepare to move out of their home by cleansing all their stuff, my grandmother gave me the box in which all these emails were being treasured. Ok, by recently, I mean about 9 months or so ago. The gesture was so sweet, but in all this time, I haven't had the guts to open the box. I've been pretty afraid of what I'll find in there.
It's staring at me from across the room right this minute - hidden behind a couch, it can see me and its watching me, daring me to actually look inside. Not today blue box. I'm not quite ready to face who I might have been back in all those old emails. Facing myself in the mirror today can be challenging enough. Today the line of my comfort zone lies between me and that box.
I should look inside. Grammy thought those emails were worth saving for some reason, and I do believe "the unexamined life is not worth living." So I'm just putting this out there for now, knowing you readers know that I'm afraid of a silly box will hopefully deflate some of its power over me. Eventually I'll work up the guts to open in, even read something that's inside, hopefully I can get back to you and share a lesson or two I learn from that experience. But not today!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Dear Older Women, I love you
How many thousands of conversations amongst women have I heard about how evil media is for convincing us we need to spend millions of dollars to look younger all the time? Too many. In all those conversations where we women have bemoaned this burden of pressure, I have joined in the rant against the "media" but actually haven't ever understood the complaint all that much. Maybe because my younger sister is so much taller than me, I felt more resentment than flattery when people were always underestimating my age when the two of us were together and just settled into always wishing I looked older than I did. No one ever prepared me for the experience of holding my baby girl and looking into the mirror with the two of us side by side. I look so freaking old!! Yikes! All of the sudden I'm plowing through my Oil of Olay supply desperately trying to ward off any MORE sun damage to my skin. yeesh. This is a side of myself I've never known. Seeing as how it's generally women caring for the young, how did it never occur to me that being more frequently face to face with youth might have something to do with women's obsession with trying to look young?
That said, I am feeling particularly grateful for older women today, and want to give them a special shout out and hopefully a little encouragement. When I was a college student, away from home for the first time, I felt the absence of older women from my life. I was so incredibly blessed growing up living in the same city as almost all my aunts my whole childhood, and both of my grandmothers. And I can't take for granted the fact that I got to grow up with a wonderful mom too, as so many of my friends have lost theirs. So once in college, surrounded almost only by peers and a small handful of female professors, an amazing woman, Lauretta Patterson came into my life, discipling me (and many others) for a few years and I am still benefiting from the blessing of her love. I will never forget how fun it is to make homemade pizzas or the site of her "acting out" Hebrews 4:12 with big gregarious hand motions, and I'll probably never forget that verse either thanks to her creative memorization technique! She was the first, but there were so many others. In my first full time job, I was surrounded by women of several different generations above me who taught me about coordinating professional outfits, managing blood sugar, marrying a Mexican husband, working hard, using lemons in place of salt, etc. etc. etc. I moved on to Berkeley and was particularly blessed by a dear sweet friend, Colleen, who took me under her wing and gathered a whole group of women of her generation to bless me and my friends of a younger generation just stepping into journeys those women already mastered and knew so well. And now I've moved down to San Diego, and today I just finished taking part in a bible study where I was one of the youngest women, looking up to women 10, 20, 40 years my senior who shared with me their generous love, support, and wisdom.
I drove home from the last day of that group today feeling that deep sense of my cup running over. I have had to live such a transitional life since I left home for college and gosh darn-it, I miss my Mama (and my Grammy and Gee too) sometimes! How amazing that these other women in all these other towns have woven together a tapestry of love and support - sharing their lives, their patience, their insight, their perspective with me when my mom wasn't physically present to do so. I have been so blessed. When I start to think about it from their perspective, I think about how rough it must be - having young girls like me pop in and out of their lives. Just when they think they're really connecting and developing a bond, off I go again. They must feel sometimes like all their energy is so futile. But if you are a woman [or man for that matter] who has ever felt that way, I hope you can hear my story and see how you play a part along with your peers, to spread this net for me (and I'm sure so many others) across cities and states so that I never quite feel without a good dose of mentorship and motherly love.
Thank you for touching my life in the little way that you can for the little time I'm around. Know you are working with a whole team of amazing women, and you're getting the job done! And just like I have this host of mentors who catch me each place I land, just consider us all as we flit in and out of your lives, a host of young women who really need to hear from you what life is like from where you stand. Be patient with us as we may fail to listen, as we say the same silly, presumptuous, naive things over and over again, and as we leave you wondering how we turned out or whether you got through to us. I hope I've applied at least some of the lessons you've taught me, at least I know I feel so surrounded by love. So I hope you'll keep persevering with young ladies like me - be it your neighbor, co-worker, daughter-in-law, or newcomer to your place of worship. We might act like we have it all together or know it all, we might look at you funny when you ask what a "tweet" is and why facebook is such a big deal, but we need you in our lives - even if we have our moms near by, we need all the womanly wisdom and support we can get.
Perhaps even more than I lament my sun scorched aging skin and have these silly feelings of jealousy for my 3 month old daughter's beautiful face, I am jealous of your beautiful gray hairs, the scars from meals you cooked for your family, the bent back disfigured from the little (and big) people you carried when they didn't have the strength to stand, the wrinkle lines that tell fantastic stories of strength, resilience, unfathomable love and sacrifice. Thank you for being a crucial part of my life! There are so many of you that I haven't begun to list you all in this post. But please know that I love you and I appreciate you!
That said, I am feeling particularly grateful for older women today, and want to give them a special shout out and hopefully a little encouragement. When I was a college student, away from home for the first time, I felt the absence of older women from my life. I was so incredibly blessed growing up living in the same city as almost all my aunts my whole childhood, and both of my grandmothers. And I can't take for granted the fact that I got to grow up with a wonderful mom too, as so many of my friends have lost theirs. So once in college, surrounded almost only by peers and a small handful of female professors, an amazing woman, Lauretta Patterson came into my life, discipling me (and many others) for a few years and I am still benefiting from the blessing of her love. I will never forget how fun it is to make homemade pizzas or the site of her "acting out" Hebrews 4:12 with big gregarious hand motions, and I'll probably never forget that verse either thanks to her creative memorization technique! She was the first, but there were so many others. In my first full time job, I was surrounded by women of several different generations above me who taught me about coordinating professional outfits, managing blood sugar, marrying a Mexican husband, working hard, using lemons in place of salt, etc. etc. etc. I moved on to Berkeley and was particularly blessed by a dear sweet friend, Colleen, who took me under her wing and gathered a whole group of women of her generation to bless me and my friends of a younger generation just stepping into journeys those women already mastered and knew so well. And now I've moved down to San Diego, and today I just finished taking part in a bible study where I was one of the youngest women, looking up to women 10, 20, 40 years my senior who shared with me their generous love, support, and wisdom.
I drove home from the last day of that group today feeling that deep sense of my cup running over. I have had to live such a transitional life since I left home for college and gosh darn-it, I miss my Mama (and my Grammy and Gee too) sometimes! How amazing that these other women in all these other towns have woven together a tapestry of love and support - sharing their lives, their patience, their insight, their perspective with me when my mom wasn't physically present to do so. I have been so blessed. When I start to think about it from their perspective, I think about how rough it must be - having young girls like me pop in and out of their lives. Just when they think they're really connecting and developing a bond, off I go again. They must feel sometimes like all their energy is so futile. But if you are a woman [or man for that matter] who has ever felt that way, I hope you can hear my story and see how you play a part along with your peers, to spread this net for me (and I'm sure so many others) across cities and states so that I never quite feel without a good dose of mentorship and motherly love.
Thank you for touching my life in the little way that you can for the little time I'm around. Know you are working with a whole team of amazing women, and you're getting the job done! And just like I have this host of mentors who catch me each place I land, just consider us all as we flit in and out of your lives, a host of young women who really need to hear from you what life is like from where you stand. Be patient with us as we may fail to listen, as we say the same silly, presumptuous, naive things over and over again, and as we leave you wondering how we turned out or whether you got through to us. I hope I've applied at least some of the lessons you've taught me, at least I know I feel so surrounded by love. So I hope you'll keep persevering with young ladies like me - be it your neighbor, co-worker, daughter-in-law, or newcomer to your place of worship. We might act like we have it all together or know it all, we might look at you funny when you ask what a "tweet" is and why facebook is such a big deal, but we need you in our lives - even if we have our moms near by, we need all the womanly wisdom and support we can get.
Perhaps even more than I lament my sun scorched aging skin and have these silly feelings of jealousy for my 3 month old daughter's beautiful face, I am jealous of your beautiful gray hairs, the scars from meals you cooked for your family, the bent back disfigured from the little (and big) people you carried when they didn't have the strength to stand, the wrinkle lines that tell fantastic stories of strength, resilience, unfathomable love and sacrifice. Thank you for being a crucial part of my life! There are so many of you that I haven't begun to list you all in this post. But please know that I love you and I appreciate you!
why don't i write?
Once upon a time I was a wee little first grader. Throughout the school year we regularly wrote little stories, stapled little books together, and the room moms would laminate decorated book covers for us to "publish" our stories. I LOVED that experience. As if that wasn't enough of an inspirational thrill, we also had tons of authors come to our class to talk to us about their books and about writing. I decided that year that what I wanted to be when I grew up was a writer. Ever since, I have thought of myself as a writer, even if I'm closeted. And I love writing. Its a fabulous therapeutic and often enlightening experience. I totally process life verbally, so things just make more sense to me if I write it out. When I can't write it out - because I don't have the time, the guts, or the free hands, I write little mini-essays or journal entries in my head. Somehow, this has become my method of "writing" 95% of the time. So if writing is so core to my self-concept for decades now, why don't I write?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Media I'm thankful for
I am immensely grateful that I have been able to nurse Sofia so far. I really anticipated facing worse challenges than I have and I know I'm blessed to have this time and capacity to bond with her in this unique way - I highly recommend it to any mothers on the fence. That said, it severely limits the span of activities I can indulge in these days. With so many hours alone and with my arms and body occupied, preventing me from moving around, doing crafts, even typing, I have become increasingly grateful for several media formats that have kept me occupied and more sane than I would be otherwise. Here are a few of my favorites:
1) books. I have always loved books. Granted I can usually only read a couple pages at a time, so I'm not exactly tearing through my library these days, I am comforted by the stacks of books cluttering up most rooms of our apartment, reminding me to never fear - there are more pages to keep me busy. I just recently finished 2 books [Poisonwood Bible - thank you Elisabeth Stover! and A World Without Time - thank you husband who challenges me to think outside of my academic comfort areas, namely, the humanities] and promptly received 4 more as gifts within a matter of days.
2) Public Radio. Oh Terry Gross. Oh Kai Ryssdal.
Little do you know, your shows keep my brain from turning to mush and make me feel intellectually connected to the world outside my baby girl's nursery. You also give me interesting things to talk about with my husband other than the uniqueness of Sofia's poop or snot that day. Bless you NPR. Bless you American Public Media. When I have money, I swear I will start contributing financially to show my gratitude!
3) blogs. Ok, I know, blogs are out, tweets are in, blah blah blah. But I need plenty of words to keep me busy and thanks to my dear sweet Google Reader I stay regularly entertained with funny and thought provoking long and short entries with very little use of my otherwise occupied hands. A few blogs I've especially been enjoying lately:
Anything Once The first blog I ever got into remains one of my top 5 favorites. A formerly conservative young woman commits to trying new things - at least once. Her incredible writing style is always witty and makes me laugh out loud with nearly every entry. This woman needs to write a book someday soon!!
While You Were Napping adventures of a fellow new mom who makes me feel not-so-alone in the challenges I face from day to day [though significantly less fashionable when she shows off both her sons and her own cute outfits each Wednesday - I still look forward to Wednesdays though cause it always promises to be super cute!]
Fotomattic Graphic designer, Matt, captures amazing shots of Chicago as he goes about his day. Love his work - only wish he would post more frequently, I can't get enough! His captions also need to win an award for being so clever.
and I recently got into . . .
Stuff Christians Like The book, Stuff White People Like cracked me up. These blog entries aren't quite as hilarious, but they both warm my heart with nostalgia for my youth at the same time as assuaging some of my guilt for being overly steeped in tribal christian culture by parodying the big experiences others with similar trespasses can identify with.
So here's my question to anyone who might be reading this - what suggestions do you have for keeping myself busy [maybe even productive?] while my body/hands are otherwise occupied with baby?
1) books. I have always loved books. Granted I can usually only read a couple pages at a time, so I'm not exactly tearing through my library these days, I am comforted by the stacks of books cluttering up most rooms of our apartment, reminding me to never fear - there are more pages to keep me busy. I just recently finished 2 books [Poisonwood Bible - thank you Elisabeth Stover! and A World Without Time - thank you husband who challenges me to think outside of my academic comfort areas, namely, the humanities] and promptly received 4 more as gifts within a matter of days.
2) Public Radio. Oh Terry Gross. Oh Kai Ryssdal.
3) blogs. Ok, I know, blogs are out, tweets are in, blah blah blah. But I need plenty of words to keep me busy and thanks to my dear sweet Google Reader I stay regularly entertained with funny and thought provoking long and short entries with very little use of my otherwise occupied hands. A few blogs I've especially been enjoying lately:
Anything Once The first blog I ever got into remains one of my top 5 favorites. A formerly conservative young woman commits to trying new things - at least once. Her incredible writing style is always witty and makes me laugh out loud with nearly every entry. This woman needs to write a book someday soon!!
While You Were Napping adventures of a fellow new mom who makes me feel not-so-alone in the challenges I face from day to day [though significantly less fashionable when she shows off both her sons and her own cute outfits each Wednesday - I still look forward to Wednesdays though cause it always promises to be super cute!]
Fotomattic Graphic designer, Matt, captures amazing shots of Chicago as he goes about his day. Love his work - only wish he would post more frequently, I can't get enough! His captions also need to win an award for being so clever.
and I recently got into . . .
Stuff Christians Like The book, Stuff White People Like cracked me up. These blog entries aren't quite as hilarious, but they both warm my heart with nostalgia for my youth at the same time as assuaging some of my guilt for being overly steeped in tribal christian culture by parodying the big experiences others with similar trespasses can identify with.
So here's my question to anyone who might be reading this - what suggestions do you have for keeping myself busy [maybe even productive?] while my body/hands are otherwise occupied with baby?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sick Day
Sofia is sick. :( boo. Poor little thing has been sneezing and coughing throughout the day:
Bless you!
By some miracle - or incredible feet of self-denial or strength of will - my mother managed to never be sick the entire 18 years I spent growing up at home. I have not inherited this special talent. During Sofia's first day of being sick, I am right there with her, blowing my nose in between the times I'm aspirating hers. I'm doing my best to keep her nose clear, sit her up so her sinuses can drain, and help her rest it off:
Somehow, as miserable as she seems to be, she still keeps finding smiles to share with me to keep me going:
Get well soon my sweet Sofia!
Friday, March 4, 2011
eye exercise: abc
I've been feeling quite creatively constipated lately and more than just a little bit cooped up in the house, so i wanted to give myself a little photography assignment. Furthermore, there's only so much I can be teaching Sofia these days (though significantly more than I had expected!). So, just as I prepared for how I would love her before her birth, I thought I might also prepare some tools with which I could help her learn when she's ready. I took her out in our little carrier yesterday and wandered around the mall, in search of all the letters of the alphabet, attempting to capture them in somewhat interesting ways. I was surprised to be able to find each letter. Sofia and I enjoyed a lovely afternoon, all for free. Here are the fruits of our labor:
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