Its amazing how little it takes to entertain us when it comes to Sofia. We capture what we can of her precious little interactions with us from day to day. Here are a few videos of moments we've enjoyed.
Anyone who's been reading my blog lately is probably convinced that I have lost all capacity to think of anything other than my sweet daughter Sofia, and you're mostly right. But I am trying to find little glimpses and moments to keep other parts of my brain and self alive, for all our sakes. So I've started a little project. Once upon a time I read "The Hidden Wound" by Wendell Berry for my Race, Gender, and Inequality class with one of my heroes, Dr. Terry Jones of Cal State East Bay. The book struck a very deep chord and had a lasting impact on how I think about the world. In essence, the book is Berry's journey of examining the wound that exists within himself as white man as a result of racism against African Americans, specifically related to American slavery. But the book touches on many other important issues, weaving a spider web to show how much of our lives are inter-connected to one another and to the many parts of our selves. One of the connections Berry makes is between the unique atrocities of American slavery and a paradigm that fails to steward the gifts we are given, such as the land we work in farming. You should read it for yourself to really absorb the whole point, and that's exactly what I told my father, a newby farmer, as I lent him the book to borrow. As I've mentioned before, my dad's not an avid reader, so he didn't get around to it. But I have this digital voice recorder I got for my research study last year, just sitting around my house, and my dad has long drives out to the ranch from the city, so I figured - I could read the book to him on the recorder, and send him mp3s to listen to on his long commute. I hope I'm not doing something terribly illegal.
One of the interesting points from The Hidden Wound I was re-reading into my recorder the other day was about how slave owners attended the same church as their slaves. Berry points out that this would have presented a challenge to the pastors of the churches, who would have depended on their livelihood from donations of the slave owners, but would not have likely had anything financial to gain from the slaves. Therefore, the sermons would have to be appeasing to the slave owners, likely emphasizing certain passages over others that might be too delicate. One of the points which Berry thinks they would have had to take a side was how salvation would be obtained. To side step the judgment of slave ownership and the violence of the institution of slavery, the pastors would have had to emphasize that salvation comes through faith, not works, because if salvation were dependent on works, all the people who paid the pastor's salary would be in trouble. As I first read this, I cringed. I was certainly raised on the verses Berry points to, such as John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." I would go on to point to Ephesians 2:8-9, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast."
But at the same time, Manny and I have been reading Romans in the mornings recently, and it really has me thinking about how "faith without works is dead." This may seem elementary, but somehow the question never occurred to me, "what does it mean to believe?" We also read this morning from 2 Kings, chapter 2. This king wants to summon Elijah, the prophet, probably to do him some harm. The king sends this army officer with 50 men to tell Elijah to come to him, Elijah strikes him down with fire from heaven. The king sends a second officer and 50 men, again, dead. The king sends a third guy. This time, the third officer approaches Elijah with a bit more humility, begging for Elijah to spare his life, Elijah does, and comes to the king and the story goes on.
The important bit is the third guy - he really believed that Elijah was a man of God, that Elijah's God was real and powerful, and that his life was really in danger in trying to approach this guy. Because he believed he changed his behavior from the guys who went before, and as a result, his life is spared. So what would our behavior look like if we actually believed in God? Much of the rhetoric of the evangelical movement would make it sound like all we have to do is utter a sentence of belief in God, and then we're good for life, no matter our actions. But if we really believed God was who He says He is, which is an all powerful deity of justice (among other things), wouldn't our actions look a little bit different than if we did not believe in Him? So it seems you might have "works" without faith - plenty of people go through religious motions of piety with all manner of alternative motives other than true faith. But can you have faith/belief without a change in behavior that shows that you recognize how all powerful God is and that He wants you to live a life that glorifies Him? I don't think so.
Pondering this point feels like a good excuse for me to revisit my favorite chapter of scripture, Hebrews 11, the chapter that recounts the heroes of faith throughout the whole bible. I think if you read no other chapter of the bible, this is the one you should read, in a sense, it sums the whole thing up (but I also think it gets you to explore the whole thing too). As it recounts the heroes of faith, I want to see how often we can find "just faith," or any example of someone who could believe in God without belief affecting their actions. Let's take a look:
Hebrews 11:
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
3 By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
4 By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.
5 By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.”[a] For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.
8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she[b]considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”[c]19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.
20 By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.
21 By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
22 By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.
23 By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.
24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter.25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.
29 By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.
30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.
31 By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.[d]
32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning;[e] they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.
39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised,40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
Abel brought an offering; Enoch sought and pleased God; Noah built an ark; Abraham obeyed and went; Isaac and Jacob gave their sons blessings; Joseph spoke; Moses' parents hid him; Moses chose mistreatment, left Egypt, and kept the Sabbath; the people passed through the Red Sea; the walls of Jericho fell; Rahab extended hospitality; others conquered kingdoms and administered justice, etc. Each one's faith is tied to a verb, an action, a work. There is no faith without action, works.
That's not a very new concept at all, but Berry's point refreshes it for me and gave me something to think about - so I thought I'd just share, if only to expose my ignorance, or how much I need to constantly revisit such key "basics." Faith is both a simple and tricky thing. Notice this chapter concludes in vs. 39 and 40 pointing to the something better that brings about perfection and truly made salvation possible - the name not listed - Jesus. I won't belabor that point, but I hope it gives someone else something to think about too.
Lastly, I'm freshly struck by the first two verses when it talks about faith as the "assurance about what we do not see" and then goes on to talk about how God brought about creation, "so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible (ex nihilo)." So belief seems to somehow get tied with ex nihilo creation - bringing substance into an absence, just as God did in creation. I think this again points to faith not just being a matter of nice words or pretty feelings, but bringing about God's goodness in the world in someway - where there is darkness, doing our part to bring about light. This is a totally new thought to me in this context, so I'd appreciate other's thoughts on the matter if you have any.
Ultimately, I hope I and others can be challenged to change our behavior like the third officer in 2 Kings and like Berry would have us do in how we steward the planet and our neighbors - bringing about reconciliation amongst all things.
After some heavier posts, its time for some lighthearted fun. One of the many fun things about becoming a parent is that every day is full of firsts. We've gotten to celebrate Sofia's first ride in her stroller, the first time she really gazed into my eyes, her first walk in the park, her first bath, her first bath without screaming bloody murder, her first smiles (a personal favorite), etc.
As we gradually get more comfortable in our roles and responsibilities, we've been able to take on more and settle into a life we love. Part of the lifestyle we enjoy and envision for our family is one that extends hospitality. While "getting back into hospitality" so far has really only consisted of allowing people to come by and bring us food and stay for a while (I'm working up to managing to cook and take care of a baby at the same time . . . slowly but surely), its been really nice to have the company and let Sofia get to know our friends. Here are some pics from Sofia's first game night with Mrs. Lexie and Mr. Jamie. We all love Pandemic and Lexie's yummy mini-cheesecakes! Sofia loves hanging out in Lexie's arms, and I think Lexie might enjoy holding Sofia too.
[Warning: I recognize that delivering babies isn't the prettiest thing to think about for everyone, so if that's a story you'd rather not hear, I discourage you from reading any further.]
While I did not quite meet my own goals for reading all the books about babies I wanted to before my pregnancy came to an end, I must say I did read and prepare ALOT. I went through a handful of what feel like baby encyclopedias, a load of email newsletters from various baby websites, notes from several "preparing for baby" classes we attended. Perhaps the wisest advice I received in preparing for delivery was that you should not develop a birth plan - because you can not plan a birth, you can only put forth your desires about how you'd prefer for it to go. So, out of all of this education and conversations with friends and family who have had their own babies, I invested some well informed thoughts into developing my "birth desires" and administered this document to our parents and health professionals. Within a matter of minutes of arriving at the hospital, I was informed that several points of my birth desires were already having to be abandoned.
We'd gone in to my OB that morning for our routine prenatal appointment, 2 days after our due date. My general mood was fairly low. My family had already been with us for several days, anxiously awaiting those contractions to become more regular. We'd all become rather obsessed with an app we'd downloaded that helped you track length and frequency of contractions - whenever I hit the start button, conversation would halt and everyone would stare at me waiting to see how long it would last. With my mother, father, and sister all surrounding me trying to do anything they could to encourage labor to move forward, it was at times entertaining [see my sister and I out on a walk, dancing to Usher being played off her iPhone, in hopes that the pumping music would excite Sofia into joining us for a dance party:]
and at times a bit depressing that it didn't seem to be working. It felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. I went into the OB office brainstorming ways I planned to keep my parents occupied that day, I envisioned a bit of site seeing around San Diego and a trip to Chick-fil-a, more for my own sake than theirs. ;)
Because we were post due date, they were running routine tests to check the health of the baby, an ultrasound and heart rate monitoring. We actually spent the time while her heart rate was being monitored discussing how long we were willing to put off an induction if labor just wouldn't start - I wanted to avoid pitocin if at all possible, but my parents could only be in California for a limited time, I really didn't like the idea of them having to miss her birth. But it turned out that that conversation was pointless. My doctor came in after the tests had been run to inform me that the ultrasound revealed my amniotic fluid to be cloudy, which could mean nothing other than that Sofia was sloughing off her skin, or it could mean she was pooping meconium, which would indicate she was in distress. Furthermore, her heart rate was dipping with my contractions [which I didn't even realize I was having during the heart rate monitoring], more indication that she was not doing well. My doctor was so calm in telling me that I'd need to go straight to the hospital for more monitoring, that I still didn't feel like her birth was getting any closer. But after we picked up my parents, got to the hospital, and saw documents the nurses were having me sign that said I approved the administration of pitocin to induce my labor, I realized my day was not about to turn out like I had anticipated.
I told them I wanted to talk to a doctor before approving the pitocin, just to make sure I understood what was actually going on. You know how people claim you can do anything you put your mind to? I don't actually believe that, but apparently I can put my mind to going into labor. By the time the doctor arrived to explain to me why I needed to induce, my contractions were coming on strong and frequent enough that I'd already had to have them start my epidural. At least one birth desire was satisfied - no induction - yay!
The doctor decided I was dilated enough and having frequent enough contractions that she could move things along even further by breaking my water. Just as we were all smiles over no-induction and getting some pain relief from the anesthesia, she broke my water only to find that it was all red with some hints of dark brown. She looked visibly concerned, as did the nurse assisting her. She explained that this probably meant that my placenta was pulling away from my uterine wall, bursting the blood vessels, and also that my baby was in distress, excreting the meconium as my OB had feared. She jumped into go-mode and explained that while my baby's heart rate was looking sufficiently strong as to not warrant our situation an emergency yet, the placenta could completely tear away at any moment, cutting off all of Sofia's blood and nutrient supply, so she strongly encouraged us to do a c-section as soon as possible. I asked if Manny and I could have a moment alone to discuss what we wanted to do.
As kind as the doctor was to step away and give us some space, the other hospital staff members didn't seem to get the fact that Manny and I were trying to make one of the bigger decisions of our life, and they kept coming in the room trying to tell me things or hook me up to more stuff. After getting some encouragement from my mom that there was no wrong decision, we finally had a moment alone. Up until this point I [we] had managed to remain calm and move through this process as each new curve ball was thrown at us. But once we were alone, all the confusing emotions of the roller coaster day came crashing down on me as I finally faced the reality that my daughter's life was really in danger. But we had all of 60 seconds I think to let out some emotions, discuss our options, and come to the decision that it would be better to be safe than to be sorry before the doctor came in to ask if we'd made a decision (for the 2nd or 3rd time actually).
As soon as we gave the word, it seemed like everything flew into warp speed as they wheeled me into the operating room, yelling at Manny that he better grab his camera as he rushed to keep up with my hospital bed. As I lay behind that sheet, Manny grabbed my hand, and I whispered a request to him that he pray for us while they started the procedure. He prayed the whole way through (one of the longer 5 minute periods of my life) until my anesthesiologist, Dr. Said, caught his attention saying, "Papa, you're going to want to get a photo of this." Dr. Said hurriedly handed Manny our camera, Manny stood up for a brief moment and clicked:
She made it. As I was breathing a deep sigh of relief, the doctor confirmed that indeed my placenta had pulled about 30% away from the uterine wall, we had definitely made the right decision to get her out right away. But no sooner was I relieved, and they had Manny over by Sofia while they evaluated her, than I heard my baby's first cries, much more gurgly than I'd anticipated. Because she had been swallowing this bad amniotic fluid, her trachea was clogged and her oxygen levels were low. All alone on the operating table, feeling this continued numb tug and pull on my belly, with my husband far across the room, I listened to that cry as nurses and doctors kept promising me I would get to see her in just one minute. The one minute turned into 5, my anesthesia started to make me feel like I was freezing cold and I started to shiver uncontrollably. 5 minutes turned into I don't even know how long, and I used all my psychological strength to use my breathing and relaxation techniques to stay calm. Dr. Said, dear sweet man, stayed close by, covering me with extra blankets, doing his best to encourage me and keep me updated on what was going on with my baby. I kept hearing nurses call out about how beautiful she was, that she had the most amazing eye lashes. Over and over about the eye lashes, it started to make me a bit angry - I didn't care about her eye lashes, I wanted to see and hold her for myself and know that she could breath okay. But the promise of getting to hold her so soon was dashed as they rushed her past me, shoved her face in my face to make me kiss her, then ran her off to the nursery to try to help her breathing. Commence the worst hour or so of my life. Without any real update on her condition, Manny off with Sofia [by my request - I didn't want Sofia to be all alone], the shivering getting worse, they sealed up my incision and moved me back into my recovery room, which felt like the loneliest place I'd ever been. Manny, my parents, Manny's parents were all getting to oggle at Sofia through the nursery glass and I still hadn't really laid my eyes on her. But, fairly soon, my mom sacrificed the opportunity to take in the site of her first grandchild in order to mother me in perhaps the most powerful way she ever has in my memory. In my hour of profound fear and need, she alone was with me in that room, stroking my hair, massaging my shoulders which were painfully clenched from the shivering, telling me how beautiful my daughter was, that we'd made the right decision, that Sofia was going to be ok. I finally let myself really cry.
About an hour and forty-five minutes after she was born, (so much for one minute, right?) they finally wheeled Sofia into my room for me to meet her. She was crying, I was crying, but she instantly latched on to me and began to feed. She immediately quieted and calmed down, my shivering instantly ceased, and I felt the most beautiful joy I've ever known. I finally believed we might all be ok. As soon as she finished, Manny got to hold her too, and the site of him across the room with our daughter in our arms was one of the most comforting things I had ever seen:
In the next few days in the hospital, we faced a few more challenges. Because of the problem with the placenta, the cord blood collection ended up being insufficient for the donation I'd put so much work into - argh; her weight dipped a bit low for the nurses' comfort, my shoulders wouldn't unclench from all the shivering for several days, and she had some jaundice. But we were able to leave the hospital ahead of schedule, her jaundice cleared up in a day or two, she was back to birth weight by day 6, and all in all, things have gotten increasingly better ever since.
I had to give up my vision of laboring for the first several hours at home, watching Date Night, eating a baked potato with Goode Co. BBQ brisket, taking a long soaky bath, applying all the breathing techniques Manny and I had practiced, having all our parents with us at the hospital waiting for Manny to come out to announce she'd been born, avoiding a C-section, holding and nursing her the moment after she was born, etc. etc. etc. But that's why they are birth desires, not plans, right? As my cousin Robin told me at my baby shower, what really matters is that you get a healthy baby at the end, everything else is just details. Am
Below is a picture version of Sofia's journey into the world.
Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, I had a different name. My parents considered several names for girls when they were pregnant with me, writing their brainstorm down on a list. My mother favored "Zoe," my dad thought that sounded to weird. As I grew up, I wasn't quite content with what the meaning of my given name did to describe who I was, or how common the name was, so I started seeking out an alternative. I tried a handful on for size from week to week, several of which came from the name-brainstorm list, which I discovered in a drawer in my room [the former library of the house]. When I came to Zoe, I discovered it was greek for "the God kind of life." Appreciating this sentiment much more than that of my given name, and with my father's concession that I had turned out to be weird enough to actually fit the name, I became "Zoe" and have been "Zoe" ever since.
Having gone through such a transition added an extra dose of pressure in selecting a name for my own child. Her name was going to have to live up to my own standards of significance, and yet I have to be prepared for having a daughter as independent and strong-willed as myself, who, no matter how much effort I put into naming her, may want to also name herself. Add into all that the fact that her father also cares a great deal about what we name her, a totally positive feature in a husband, but an added challenge for the process as it wasn't just my own picky opinion that mattered. So after months of considerations, at least 6 name books read cover to cover, at least 5 baby-name websites (including the social security administrations list of the top 1000 names), we finally made a decision. And as of Janurary 4, 2011, our own little "Sofía Arabella Reyes" is here with us in the flesh and out of the womb.
"Sofía," is the spanish spelling of the greek [sophia] word that means "wisdom," one of the key values Manny and I desire for our family. I think I may have been around the same age as my name change process when the story of Solomon choosing, above all other possible gifts, to request from God to have wisdom, became really important to me. 1 Kings 3:9 says "Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, able to discern between good and evil: for who can govern this your great people?" Solomon leads up to his request with acknowledgment for how God has shown great love and faithfulness to his father, David, as well to Solomon for giving him the honor of ruling over God's people as king. In a sense, Solomon is asking God for the key tool required to best steward the gift God has given him already. If you've read my other posts, you may have picked up on the fact that stewardship is an important theme and value for me. Not only does Solomon lead up to his request for wisdom with an attitude of stewardship, but as God grants him wisdom, Solomon immediately puts it to use to administer justice in the well known story of the two women fighting over the baby [1 Kings 3:16-28]. So in naming Sofía, we're able to communicate to her how important we feel stewardship, wisdom, and justice are - all in one. My mom also found this beautiful verse [and proceeded to cross-stitch it into a beautiful piece that now hangs in Sofía's nursery] that goes on to talk about what the wisdom that comes from heaven includes:
James 3: 13, 17
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
And that's an important distinction for me - "the wisdom that comes from heaven." Because there are other passages in scripture that talk about the wisdom of man being foolishness, and in Colosians 2, Paul warns against the follies of seeking after "vain philosophies" [philo = love, sophia=wisdom, therefore, philosophy=love of wisdom]. So wisdom in and of itself isn't necessarily a good thing. Solomon himself, after exercising his wisdom for a while, stops spending so much time talking to God and taking His council in all his actions, and as he strays, he looses God's favor and the kingdom of Israel gradually plummets. So, to make sure our Sofía is always clear on this point that it is the wisdom from heaven she is to pursue, and that wisdom must always be submitted to the guidance of God - we gave her the middle name "Arabella," which means "yielding to prayer." Arabella is also a bit of an homage to my grandmother, who, if she has imbued in me no other lesson, it is that we must constantly go to the Lord in prayer.
As far as her name's uniqueness, I fear I failed. On January 4th, as I was in the hospital going into labor, an email came to my inbox announcing the rankings of the names given to babies in 2010. And sure enough, "Sophia" was number 1 - more popular than my birth name ever was. At least we can say we have a more unique spelling, and my father can never complain that we gave her a name that is "too weird."
So, little Sofía Arabella, I hope you like your name, but if you don't I have two things to say. 1) I hope you will still choose to seek the Lord, His wisdom, and His guidance in all that you do. 2) We kept the list of names we considered as we brainstormed, so if you want to try out some alternatives, you can consult that list just as I did. ;)
