Facing fears and finding freedom

Sometimes the benefit of pushing out into discomfort is that the area of your comfort zone is expanded - like blowing new air into a balloon. Other times, it is about facing your fears and pushing through to the other side. Ever since I was little I can vividly remember dreading having to go into situations where I did not know people and I would have to be disconnected from things that gave me comfort - like my mother, when she dropped me off at the church nursery. I kick and scream on my way into this territory (or sometimes express these emotions in a more mature fashion now that I'm almost 30, but the kicking and screaming still happens every now and then) and yet I always survive. It was usually the case that by the time my mother came to pick me up from the nursery, I was just as unwilling to leave as I had been to enter. This was true when I went to this conference on ethics in high school; a service trip to Sewanee, Tennessee; a Mayterm abroad to Sri Lanka; and probably countless other scenarios I am blocking out right now. As I reflect on all of those experiences, I'm so glad I faced my fears and went. And the same is true of my trip last week to Denver for the American Public Health Association's (APHA) national conference.

Fears surrounded this trip on so many levels.
1) I've already written about the effort it required just to find the discipline to spend time preparing my presentation.
2) Wardrobe was also a significant concern, I am a pregnant, unemployed woman living in San Diego who hates to spend money on clothes and therefore avoids any expense remotely unnecessary in this category. Yet, I was traveling to a professional conference in chilly colorado with a bulging belly. My closet was not prepared for such a challenge.
3) I am a social worker, I barely know what public health is all about, much less the culture of this crowd of professionals. Two of my research mentors have degrees in public health and usually attend, but for some reason could not go this year.
4) I didn't know a soul attending the conference and knew I'd have to go into it and navigate it all alone
5) It cost much more money to attend this conference than I really had to spend and I didn't know whether the investment would really be worth my time or the career pay-off

As you can tell, as I write this in the past tense, again - I survived. phew.
1) My presentation got prepared. And even though my legs almost gave way beneath me, my voice quavered for the first time in my life, and I was more nervous being in front of people than I've been since I was a flower girl in my 2nd cousin's wedding (I was 3), I miraculously managed to keep my shpiel within the time limit (which is more than any of the other presenters in my session could say, thank you very much!) and due to everyone else spilling over time, did not have to face public questions of my presentation.
2) Wardrobe - oh wow - ha ha - well, the weather was much nicer than I'd anticipated, and while it did snow, I was never uncomfortably cold and didn't even need all the warm layers I packed. So functionally, I was ok. I was however the WORST dressed person at the conference, hands down. I just laughed at myself as I walked around from session to session amongst the sharp business casual. Picture a stout little middle aged man from about the 18th century in black pants, stockings, shoes and coat with a white top - curly hair and all. I felt like I looked a little something like these guys:

Not exactly 21st century impressive professional attire. Maybe it was better that I didn't know anyone there!
3) Public Health culture: public health folks are a pretty cool crowd! There was even a decent number of social workers peppered in. I found the people I listened to and interacted with to be really nice, intelligent, and similarly compassion-inspired and social justice driven as social workers. I do still feel like social workers are a bit more of a friendly bunch in general - its hard to be around a group of social workers for long without making new friends - but it was really inspiring to be around people who are moving and shaking things in this country to improve well being for the public. After all my education and charge about doing macro-level social work, I feel like in the public health professionals I heard from, I finally saw what it could look like for people to really effect change on a macro level and it was really awesome!
4) Didn't exactly make any new BFF's or even manage to grab a meal with a new acquaintance, but independence and solitude can be under-rated. I had plenty of freedom and space to go about the conference as I pleased and reflect on all I was learning, or everything that's been going on in my life in general, and it was surprisingly renewing to have this space.
5) Its hard to say at this point what the return on investment will be, but I managed to cover the costs with our little budget somehow, and I enjoyed myself so much more than I expected and am pretty glad to be able to put it on my resume now. I also made a couple contacts that will hopefully give me opportunities to continue to pursue work in the area of my research in some interesting and meaningful ways . . . we'll see how that all goes.

Have I signed up for next year's conference in Washington DC? Not exactly. I can't say I'm rearing to re-plunge into such an experience (especially while pregnant), but I faced my fears and am glad I did. My comfort zone may not have exactly expanded from this experience, but I did manage to push forward through something scary and make it to the other side - and log in 96 hours of being "out of my comfort zone" for this blog (wink) - so it was a week well spent. One of the best parts about the whole deal is that I have been anxious about this trip since I found out my research was accepted to be presented in June - that's about 5 months of dread. And now, after having that constant burden hanging over my head, I'm finally totally free of it. I keep walking into my apartment expecting to see the paperwork hanging on my bulletin board reminding me to get prepared, and its not there, and I'm finally free to do other things with that emotional energy. I can't tell you what a refreshing feeling this is. Oh happy day.