A day of discomfort . . .

Inside my comfort zone:
1) hanging out with people I know (ok, I'm an introvert, I'll be honest, sometimes comfort for me is hanging out with no people at all)
2) ordering the Chick-fil-a chicken tender meal [seriously - I think I've only diverged twice in the past decade to order chicken nuggets instead, which is barely different, and I only did that about 3 times at most]
3) planning/strategizing/consulting on nonprofit management issues
4) sleeping in and having time for a nap in the afternoon if I need it [cut me some slack, I'm growing a human inside of me - I get tired!]

My Wednesday this week:
1) going to a big Beth Moore bible study with a room filled with strangers, where the expectation was to quickly jump into sharing myself with these people
2) ordering the Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich for lunch [silly to you, but this was a big deal to me. my current pregnancy diet restrictions mean I have to be careful about how much potato products I consume, and I just couldn't have chicken tenders without the delicious waffle fries, especially since I was already also sacrificing my standard Dr. Pepper!]
3) meeting with Marnie, who is starting a charter school called City Heights Prep, to discuss a school social work/counseling perspective on issues she should consider and how she can get these types resources and supports in her school
4) waking up early to do all this and not getting done before I needed to be home to make dinner [aka - no time for a nap]

So the day really wore me out, but ultimately, it was worthwhile. And it didn't hurt that I was doing it all with my friend, Lexie, which certainly mitigated much of the discomfort. The Beth Moore bible study group was great, I think I'm going to get a lot out of participating in it. The women, although strangers, were super welcoming and made opening up to them easy by being so open and generous with themselves. I am still forlorn over missing out on those waffle fries, but really, the chicken sandwich is also super tasty, and its hard to beat a $3.09 for lunch! Other than classroom exercises, trying to make plans for meeting the bio/psycho/social needs of students at a school was a new experience (even though the school technically has nonprofit status, its just a different animal). While it stretched me in a really new way, and I don't feel like I've been able to make a substantial contribution to the conversation yet, it was really exciting to get to be a part of.

Honest confession: I've really been struggling lately when people ask me what I'm doing with my time. I just got this masters degree and there seems to be so much expectation to get a great social worky job - launching a great social worky career. I flounder over explanations about how I am only living in this town for less than a year, having a baby, wanting to stay home with my baby, and therefore trying to find a job in a tough economy with only a few months available to actually do that job doesn't seem to be worthwhile. Maybe people are more jealous than they are judgmental when they hear all this, that I get to take this break and enjoy this freedom.

Several years ago, I started a support group, "Charis," for Christian women who were trying to pursue their vocation - as in calling, not necessarily career. I felt like I was for the first time in a geographic space where a woman could both care about her mind and talents and possibly use those for a career, at the same time as she was honoring God. I felt like God did some great work through that group to support each other in respecting whatever path God called each individual woman to with her time and talents. Their support helped me through my own career transition to social work. And yet, I still have trouble having equal respect for myself now, as when I was pursuing my vocation through pursuing a career.

Why do I feel guilty and irresponsible about this decision? Why do I feel a little relief at the fact that I can say (and blog about how) I had no time for creative crafts this week because my time was so full of these other responsibilities, as if these other things give me a greater sense of importance? Who am I living for when I try to appease these expectations?